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I’m happily married, but I still can’t
help fantasizing about this sexy guy I
had a thing with back in college. Am I
a bad wife?
Amanda Lee
Dear Amanda,
Of course you’re not a bad wife! As
long as it’s only fantasizing and never
becomes physical, there is no reason
not to indulge your fantasies. However,
I would say that if this person is some-
one who were to come back in your
life, things could become complicated,
so I would try to avoid reconnect-
ing with this person. If you love your
husband, and you’re satisfied sexually,
you have nothing to worry about. Al-
most everyone fantasizes about people
outside of the person they are with, and
sometimes this can be a good thing, as
it prevents some people from feeling
the need to actually stray.
If you’re feeling so guilty that it is
distracting you from every day activi-
ties, I might suggest confessing your
fantasies to your husband in a gentle
manner and asking what he thinks, or
if you don’t want to risk the upsetting
him, talk to some of your girlfriends
about this—I’m sure many of them
have similar fantasies about old part-
ners, or that cute guy who cleans the
pool.
Fantasies are usually just that—fanta-
sies. They are there to get you through
the day, and to provide a source of es-
cape and pleasure. Life can get monot-
onous, so you have no reason to deny
yourself a bit of harmless, innocent
pleasure to break up your day-to-day
routine. So fantasize away, and know
that being a “good wife” has nothing
to do with some harmless fantasies and
more to do with how you love your
husband when you’re together.
My husband masturbates to porno
DVDs. It makes me feel inadequate,
mentally cheated on, and worried
about the future. Is my concern un-
founded?
Alexandra M
Dear Alexandra,
I understand your concerns and I
wouldn’t say they are unfounded at
all—you feel the way you feel, and our
emotions are important in helping us
navigate our way through life. Many
people feel the way you do about their
significant others watching porn, and
it’s easy to see why as it indulges fan-
tasies which, on some level, can never
be recreated in real life. It’s also safe
to say that feeling uncomfortable with
our significant others watching porn
stems from a place of basic, biologi-
cal jealousy, and wanting to be equally
loved and desired by the people we
love and desire.
However, it is very common for men
and women to use porn to help them-
selves out sexually, and most often, it
is absolutely no indication of an inten-
tion towards actual infidelity. I can
understand feeling mentally cheated
on—there is a part of almost every-
one who wants to be the one and only
human being on the planet that our
significant others want to look at. Un-
fortunately, there are billions of people
on the planet, and “checking out” and
being sexually attracted to other people
will happen. This doesn’t mean that
your husband loves or desires you any
less. It could simply mean that since
he knows he has you emotionally and
sexually, when it comes to pleasing
himself, he may choose to use variety.
Let me put it this way: if you were be-
ing 100% honest with yourself, would
you say you’ve never had a sexual
attraction to or desire for any other
man since you were married? If you
haven’t, you have the willpower of a
saint, but if so, it doesn’t mean you
actually wanted to cheat, it was just
a response that you had. You should
also ask yourself if you’ve ever used
any sort of porn, pictures, or even
your own imagination about other
men when you masturbate, and if not,
is it because you have no interest, or
because on some level, you feel guilty
and are stopping yourself?
This is a tough situation, because
both you and your husband are feel-
ing things that are completely natural.
However, I would say that no matter
what, you should be open with your
husband and talk to him about the is-
CAITLIN ROSS-POTEET
MODEL - WRITER
EMPOWERING EROT ICA
Caitlin’s Corner
Empowering Erotica
created by Caitlin
with her column
“Caitlin’s Corner” is for our read-
ers to answer any questions about
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SEXY X2
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