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whom the relationship is strained, it
may be coming from a place of stress
of emotional dissatisfaction.
If this is a recurring issue no matter
who you’re with, ask yourself why it’s
so important to you to climax more
quickly, try to get your mind off of it,
and just try to let whatever happens
happen. It’s always key to relax and
clear your head during and before sex,
or else, what’s the point really? Sex
is a time that is solely about you, the
other person, and the action. Being in
the moment is what sex is all about, so
really focusing on every sensation—
every smell, every touch, every visual,
the sound the person’s voice—can be
a very arousing experience. If there’s
a certain sensation you’re looking for
that you’re not getting, you can also
be open with your partner and explore
new ways to achieve that together.
Fantasy can also help, even during sex.
I’m not encouraging you to fantasize
about other people while having sex
with one person, but imagining a
certain scenario playing out with you
and your partner, almost like watch-
ing a porn in your mind of you and the
person you’re having sex with, can be
a lot of fun.
Climaxing is a personal journey, and
you just have to relax, be patient, and
work to figure out what works best for
you.
I being reading the magazine since
the beginning and now your column,
which is very interesting, seeing the
content of the publication I have a
question: Can you be happy without
sex?
Paola D’Erasmo
Hello Paola!
I’m glad you like the column. Your
question is an interesting one, and I
think it’s more of a personal question
for people to ask themselves rather
than one that has a general answer.
However, I do think that if you’re
going through a “dry spell” (we’ve
all been there) or are simply trying to
avoid the complications or distractions
that sex can inevitably bring, I think
that there’s no reason one can’t be
content without it for a fair amount of
time. Sex is made out to be a huge deal
in our culture—it’s in our advertising,
our television and film, our music, and
even plays a huge role in modern, pop-
ular literature. But, the truth is, even
though sex is healthy and important
for most on some basic level, there
are many other things we could
be doing with our time.
Dr. Sigmund Freud often
wrote about the impor-
tance of “sublimation,”
which is basically
trading off
sex for
other important activities for which
we are passionate, and channeling that
sexual frustration or energy into our
non-sexual passions. So, for example,
if you love painting, but a relationship
or sexual liaison has you too distracted
to focus, try channeling all of that
sexual energy into your painting and
see what happens. Sometimes simple
hobbies or work we enjoy can be a lot
more satisfying than sex itself, simply
because we are all expected to pursue
and enjoy sex so aggressively—that
can produce a lot of unnecessary pres-
sure. But the truth is, not everyone
does enjoy sex or wants to pursue sex.
In fact, there are many people who
identify themselves as asexual, mean-
ing they’re really not sexually attracted
to males or females. They may desire
loving, romantic, and intellectually
satisfying relationships with others,
but for people who identify as asexual,
sex is just never an area of interest,
and
there are plenty of con-
tent, happy people who
live in this fashion.
So, if you’re looking
to forego the bedroom
play for a while, I
think that you can
certainly be happy
without it. Just look
around and see what
else there is to do in
life until the sexual
partner who is worth
giving up your
time and energy for
comes along.
S