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to look at what role I wanted to play.
Did I want to be dominant and deter-
mine the kind of sex we would have?
Or did I want to be submissive and
let someone else take over? At first, I
went for the dominant role and quickly
discovered to my amazement that
the submissive was really in charge.
The dominant only had the illusion of
power. Eventually I decided I was a
“versatile” who was sometimes a top
and sometimes a bottom, depending
on my erotic mood. Variety has always
been the spice in my life.
One of the best parts about this group
of women was dressing for sex. By
the clothing we wore, we signaled the
kind of sex we were interested in hav-
ing that evening. I had the choice of
being butch or femme, leather or lace
or I could try a military uniform or
look like a cop. Even though we were
dealing with the dynamics of exchang-
ing power in sex, the atmosphere was
a lot more playful than being a straight
woman at a singles bar where the roles
were played out unconsciously as
each man pretended to be Tarzan and
I acted like a helpless Jane lost in the
heterosexual jungle of dating.
As a young heterosexual woman, I
was automatically a bottom with no
awareness of the exchange of power.
Outwardly, everything I did was done
in the name of love, but inwardly I
was looking for Mr. Right to secure
my future. It was more like doing
business than seeking sexual pleasure,
but I would have denied it vehemently
as I claimed to be searching for true
love.
Today my sexual wardrobe includes
lingerie, high heels for the bedroom
only, leather boots, a policeman’s hat,
a black leather dildo harness with a
variety of dildos sizes, a black leather
bra with chains, a few leather whips,
lots of electric vibrators and an assort-
ment of butt plugs for anal play. It’s
fun to get dressed to go out when I
have sex in mind and know which role
I want to play.
If you’ve never experimented with
roles consciously, you have a lot to
look forward to. If you’re a woman
who usually goes along with what
your lover wants, meet him at the door
dressed like a dominatrix and tell him
you will be running the show tonight.
It’s best to have a simple plan like
requesting he strip for you or dressing
him up in something frilly and silky
before you go down on him. In many
ways, it’s easier for women to become
dominant than it is for men to be sub-
missive. That’s because of our fixed
ideas about masculine and feminine
behavior. But the healing for this is
to get into role reversal. Whatever it
is you’ve been accustomed to, simply
reverse it and then practice in front of
a mirror before you try it with your
partner.
One of my lovers who
was a lawyer always
showed up in a three
piece suit. The night I
dressed him up in my
panty hose and full
makeup and treated him
like he was my favorite
woman lover, the sex was
very hot. He got a taste
of what it was like to be a
woman and I got to relish
having him off balance and
quite vulnerable. An-
other time, I was a horny
cowboy just back from
a round up wearing my
Stetson hat and a dildo
harness that proudly
displayed a perpetual
hard-on. That night
my lawyer had to
take it in the ass
which turned out to
be one of his secret fantasies. I pulled
out my best Kansas twang and rode
that little bronco until he collapsed
into a sweaty heap after his biggest
orgasm to date.
So much of our sex takes place in
grim silence, so don’t forget to experi-
ment with a dialogue that will enhance
the role you want to play. You could
even write out a few possible scripts.
This kind of sexual communication,
along with a little humor, makes sex
more playful. Once our sexuality and
orgasms are liberated from proving
our love or proving our femininity
and masculinity, we’ll have a lot more
fun in bed. I wish you many happy
orgasms
from role playing
and
dressing for
sex.
SEXOLOGY
By Betty Dodson, Ph.D.